Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for all those who have prayed for me. I have now been officially accepted to the Carmelite Missionaries (CM) family by the Provincial Superior. I will formally start the CM live-in Aspirancy Program this June. Please pray that all of us, 22 aspirants, persevere unto the end.

In behalf of the CM family, our Vocation Directress will visit my family this coming Easter Sunday so that my family would get to know them better and to formally tell them of my acceptance into the CM family, which actually seems to me like “asking for my hand?” Hehehe. :P

I am happy…

Although I know it will be a desert experience for me… It is already…

I have already tasted the aridity of Carmel the first time I set foot on it

at the Madriñan convent since 2002…

But this is where He has called me to be…

Well, maybe I am like that cactus displayed on the dining table at the Ciudadela Formation House at Carmel Valley, Calamba, Laguna where we held our retreat… Maybe, I will bloom and be crowned with flowers when I am planted in a desert…

Ok.

So, No guts. No glory…

No cross, No blessing…

No Good Friday. No Easter Sunday.

The only consolation I have right now is the knowledge of doing His Will…

of being part in the greatest adventure life may offer…

which essentially is the building of His Kingdom…

making heaven on earth…

That’s what we are all here for

That’s what we are meant to do…

That’s what we are made for…

That’s where we are meant to…

BE…

being… who I am

in the depths of His Heart

at the center of His Will

Heaven is.

Right now, I’ll simply content myself

being…

I—me—Jane

“Come back to me with all your heart.

Don’t let fear keep us apart…

The wilderness will lead you

to your heart where I will speak

Long have I waited for your coming home to Me

and living deeply OUR new life”

Holy Love,

I had another landmark realization as I pondered on the truth of Your Love. I realized that the things or circumstances, which I had no control of or did not even have a choice on, that You allowed or You chose for me—IS THE BEST!... that includes even the most hurting experiences I had, the most cantankerous persons and the most inane events in my life…

You cannot choose what is bad for me because You love me. You cannot even choose less than what is best for me because You love me. You can only choose the BEST—that is why You have perfect freedom—You Know-It-All (pun intended? hehehe), You’ve seen it all even before any event happen, even before any thought is created…

You chose to make me live this life NOW—not in the past nor in the future. You choose and sometimes allow certain persons in my life to influence and guide me sometimes negatively or positively or both. You choose the circumstances in my life that is beyond me—my country, my nationality, my citizenship, my time, talent and treasure (including lack or abundance thereof), serendipities and coincidences, possibilities and opportunities, impossibilities, improbabilities and miracles here and there… temptations, trials, tests, and travails now and then… my relationships—my classmates, my teachers, my friends, my peers, my first crush (including that?!), my first love (was that You? Or somebody else? wink!), my brother—my one and only sibling, my parents…

Ergo, whatever is beyond my control—which is definitely under Yours including the enemies’ wiles in whatever form or manner—is the BEST thing that could ever happen to me at the moment. The only thing in my control is my response. And there is only one response You always ask of me—S-U-R-R-E-N-D-E-R… to Your Love and Grace.

I may not be in the best place and time and circumstance right now as I see it. But in Your eyes, it is the best time for me to be born, to live and to give off Your Light here and now. It is the best time for me to love and be loved. I may not have the best parents (who can beat Mama Mary and Joseph on that?). But no matter the shortcomings of my parents are—they may have hurt me so much in the past (and sometimes even in the present) but they are still the best parents for me because You choose them and deem them to be the best for me. And the same goes to all the persons and circumstances in my life even if these events or persons are not in accord with Your will or even if I am hurt by them.

You cannot interfere with free will but You have already accounted that in Your choice. Indeed, such is Your greatness that even if Israel rebelled against You many times, You still consider them Your chosen people, a holy nation. And how many times does that happen in my life? Particularly in this call You have given me.

How many times did I run away from You? Fail You? Hide from You? Ignore You? Made excuses before You? Denied You? Forget You? Hurt You? But Your call remains. You have made a choice. You are firm in Your decision. You did not repeal it. You did not amend it. You did not and will not—even if I do all the crazy stuff I could think of to persuade You to do so.

“God’s gift and His call are irrevocable.” That verse is one of the early messages You made me see when You came back to my life—and pressed for more intimacy as opposed to a very ‘undemanding’ yet also very ‘uncommitted’ relationship—early last year. Not that You were not. You were but You were only at the sides or as far as I let You in. (Well, in whatever relationships, one only goes as far as the other lets him in, right?)

You have made Your choice and You do not change it because You deem it to be the best for me. You did not change it and never will because that choice is based only on one thing—Your love for me which also never changes. That’s why it cannot be determined or influenced by anything or anyone including the recipient of Your will, which in essence is also a recipient of Your love, even if it is rejected outright.

I know that in the same way, my decision to follow You, to surrender to Your Will, will be tested and tried not just once but many, many times… Its firmness will also determine the quality of my love for You.

I hope that I come to love You with the same abandon, preposterousness, fervor, single-mindedness and determination almost stubbornness as You have loved me.

This weekend, March 4-6 (Friday to Sunday), the Provincial Council will deliberate on our application to the Carmelite Missionaries. They will discern and deliberate who is called to live out the CM way of life, who is called but is not yet ready or who is simply crazy.

May I be found crazy… crazy in love with You who is MORE crazy in love with me!

Darling Jesus,

After realizing certain issues within me regarding want of security and my want to establish it myself in my own terms or seek it out elsewhere i.e. outside You, I also realized where it was coming from. It was again an issue of trust and truth.

Upon further reflection on the issues that crop up last week (yeah, as a result of the purgative prayer I uttered, which I believe You granted. Otherwise, I would not be this… paranoid? Exagg!), the automatic walls or security measures i have goes up whenever I feel a misrepresentation of the truth about my being is created or is being assumed and/or the truth about anything or most especially about what or who I believe in is being misrepresented/misinterpreted, created or assumed for whatever reasons.  

But who alone holds the truth? And who alone could be trusted? Only You. Since You are All-Knowing and All-Loving Eternal God.

And then it hit me when I prayed the Divine Office and therein says:

“God Himself will set me free from the hunter’s snare
From those who would trap me with lying words (and from the hunter’s snare)”

I know that that has been the Responsory since Lent began but it was only know that I grasped its meaning in light of the reflections I have had on Fr. Fuellenbach’s book. Now I also understand Augustine in a different light when he said, “My heart is restless unless it rests on You.”

Until it rests on the TRUTH that You love me… that You will set me free from any untruth or lies I have began to believe in that have trapped me from living a life in full. Lies about my past, my present, my future, my self, my life, my neighbors and fellowmen… Lies about You… And You will keep me free from these lies as long as I follow Your truth.

Until it rests on the TRUTH that You love me… i will be occupied in defending my self or the truth i believe in as opposed to being occupied with You, Your Interests and Your Truth. And again, self-preoccupation poses the greatest hindrance in loving as self-forgetfulness is the acid test of genuine love.

When I have come to rest fully on Your truth, then I am free… to worship You without fear, holy and righteous in Your sight, all the days of my life. That means, I am free to love perfectly—which is the highest form of worship to You.

Indeed, Perfect Love casts out all fear. You cast out all fear. Because fear has something to do with punishment—that actually comes from the lies we defend or the enemy propagates (the hunter’s snare?) and we believe.

Ah, I hope that whatever lie still resides in my heart be found and be banished soon so that Your Love alone—You alone may rule over it. (Uh-oh, here we go again… am I serious with that? I know You will take that seriously—is that another spiritual Combantrin I just uttered?)

Okay, I should ready my self with whatever “worms” that I will discover within me in the course of my dealings… Hahaha! How shall I expel it?

Yeah, it’s not a joke. I am sure expelling the ‘worms’ will not be funny.

Papa God,

I am currently reading “Proclaiming His Kingdom” by John Fuellenbach S.V.D. and got a lot of insights especially in the chapter entitled Conversion: A Change of Security. It highlighted our human need for acceptance and love and sometimes we seek that out through our quest for power, prestige and pleasure when ultimately these needs can only be met by You. The need for power, prestige and pleasure are, as stated in the book,  “the expression of what is called the most disastrous effect of original sin which is our ingrained tendency to have, to accumulate, to possess and to dominate in order to make ourselves secure.”

These tendencies are outlined with its accompanying extremes i.e. withdrawal, submissiveness and self-contempt that when dissected also reveals security measures taken by ourselves in order to avoid the loss of meaning and as defenses against possible hurts.

Power, prestige and pleasure are overt expressions of security measures taken but withdrawal, submissiveness and self-contempt are not as obvious and I came to realize that in some ways I have also employed such strategies in order for me to keep my head sane and my heart secure--in vain.

Fr. Fuellenbach has expressed it profoundly that “sin is a person’s constant search to find security in false sources. Sin is a mistrust of God’s love; it is the refusal to let God’s Kingdom into my life.” That statement gave me a better perspective of sin and how true it is that only the truth of Your Love—of how much You do love us—could set us free. It is only now that I had a deeper understanding of that truth and how that could set us free.

Years before I know I had walled myself in against the world somewhat. There were self-built prison walls that were only dismantled through the love and acceptance of committed friends and most especially by You. And these past weeks, You have made me realize that these walls still sometimes automatically goes up, locking myself in or locking another out, when I feel my security is threatened in any way.

Indeed, I have read before, that the humblest persons are the most secure. That seems to reflect Fr. Fuellenbach’s answer to such search for meaning and the answer is faith. According to the book, this is translated in Hebrew as ‘AMEN’ which literally means “knowing oneself to be secure”.

In essence, this means that no matter what happens I should rest on the truth that You love me. That there is nothing I could do, not do or redo which could increase or decrease that love for me. And that I should live in the knowledge of that truth. And that I should not, in any way, do anything to build or to seek or to defend my security.  If so, it would be easier for me to surrender or abandon myself to You and be available to do Your Will because there is nothing else that would hinder me from accepting or giving anything from You. Because whatever You send or ask of me will be for my own good even if it does not always seem that way on the surface at first.

Now if only that though would go down from my head to my heart… and be sent to every fiber of my being so that my every thought and every action will be a statement of reckless abandon to Your All-Embracing Love.

When that happens… I’d be ecstatic and euphoric even in despotic and pathetic circumstances. When that happens…

When will that happen?

I realize now that, truly this faith journey with You, is a journey of constant surrender. You asked of me before my “YES”… and You will do so again and again until finally You will ask me to be with You in heaven…

Ah, but even now, I could see that You are asking me to live in heaven—always.
That’s what abandonment to Your Providence and Love means, isn’t it?
That’s what “Your kingdom come. Thy Will be done on earth as in heaven” means.

 
I hope to say in the end... AMEN. :)

P.S.:

I pray that for Ambeth... grant her the graces necessary for her to accomplish everything especially since it's their reunion tomorrow before the deliberation next weekend

I also pray for Ate My's father. May You grant him complete healing through the hands of Sr. Rachel RVM and the intercession of Mama Mary.

Also, i pray for all those asking for my prayers...

Holy Love,

I was feeling a bit unsure of myself.. or rather, unsure of my vocation when after I have prayed to You to shed light to any darkness that is still in my life, it seems like I took a spiritual purgative medicine and all my issues simply came out one by one—that which I thought I got over with and that which I was even unaware of.

One of those memories that need healing is the memory of my elementary school days where I felt so alone and rejected by my peers like an outcast. I thought I have already overcome this hurt feeling when I have already gained good friends but an event triggered it and elicited a very negative and defensive reaction from me.

The other has something to do with my dad, I guess. I do not know why but it seems that the men—rather, boys I seem to draw seem to me very icky. I just could not stand them! I could not stand hearing empty words from them. It does not flatter me at all. I do not believe what they say simply because they do not know me yet how could they even tell me things like those?

I have had many guy friends and good ones too. They I believe. But not those whom I encounter via telephone or via email or via official business function and sweet talk me afterwards. It just feels so icky!

And for two weeks i was like… paranoid about those issues! I was doubting myself. I was doubting my fitness to serve You in the religious life. I fear that I will be found wanting. I fear rejection. After all my hesitation to enter and say “YES”, I do not even wanna think about not being able to start my aspirancy and eventual postulancy this June. Ah, but as Ate My herself said that it will not be the Provincial Council who will have the last say to my application. In the end, it is really Your Will that will matter most.

It was good that Sr. Milaluna called me up and I was able to tell her to pray for me because of these interior struggles I am going through. She assured that it is normal to go through those times of darkness—and overcome those feelings of unworthiness, guilt, doubt, etc.. Although I know that it was not as difficult compared to my previous struggles, it was nevertheless less tempting to quit after all the effort I have put in and the distance I have run. I still could not believe that the victory You promised me early last year would mean the grace of being able to say “YES” to Your invitation at long last! J

Whatever happens, I believe that You will bring to completion the things You have begun in me. This year, You promise “to enable me to go upon the heights/set me secure upon the heights.” I am looking forward to it… and as usual I expect the unexpected because You never run out of surprises for me.

Thank You very much for Your Ever-“unexpected” Love which pops up here and there and everywhere in the ordinariness of my life.